Jul. 3rd, 2017 11:23 am
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Thought I was doing better but I'm in the 'everything I'm making now looks like aSS' stage of trying to level up my art skill and I just feelings-vomited on Twitter so maybe not.

(well it was more a feelings-blast and the options were 'feelings-blast' or 'stay quiet about this thing that really messed me up until a better time when I've been sitting on it for literally years already'. Nonetheless,)

On the bright side, I have all of the Stolen Century arc of TAZ to listen to on the drive home. I am super-excited! *eyeballs everyone openly sobbing on Tumblr* Yeeaa get hype


Jul. 1st, 2017 08:05 pm
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After I made several loud and indignant noises, the insulation was fixed. It has helped a little--with the fireplace lit, I can sit at a table and at least consider being productive. A big relief.

Coding project has ground to a halt due to necessary reconstruction, and me realising I was making several rather elementary mistakes. It'll pick up again, but not sure I can release it in an usable form before August (my original goal) which is a pity. Still, when I get into the flow I can achieve a lot in a short period of time with this project, so never say never I suppose.

Art is going okay! I'm considering forcing myself to only draw from reference and in black and white for a while, as my pictures wind up very blurry and noodley.

So tonight after I do the dishes, I'll look at one or both of these goals, and listen to Le Toueerrr in the background.

43 ? nah 44

Jul. 1st, 2017 10:32 am
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I was doing okay but this house has reached FUH-REEZING cold status once again to the point my body and brain pretty much crumple unless I'm in bed. Insulation in ceiling hasn't been fixed cos the person who moved it in first place has a busted arm, which he won't go to doctor about, and when I said I'd do it my mother got all agitated.

The people in my life have the approach to problems of 'don't do the mildly difficult thing then expect me to stand there and suffer and listen to them talk about how if only they did the mildly difficult thing there wouldn't be a problem' and I'm... well, let's just say there's a reason I lost all my patience in May and have recovered none of it since.

I picked up this approach to dealing with problems off them which honestly makes me even more cranky about it cos it's awful and trashed my life. OTL

I need to go back to Perth for at least a little bit. Maybe today's a good day to do it even if the roads are full and the rain's falling.


Jun. 26th, 2017 07:35 pm
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Should use DW more. Should follow more people! But shared interests = lol what? True, I followed a few randoms and I used to enjoy reading posts about people in different fields/with different interests, but the DW randoms I followed don't post any more/only post once every 6 months. (and a distressing ratio of them turned out to be Islamophobes lmfao no thank you)

It is my hope that when my life stops being such a badly-tuned hold pattern, I can actively follow people on the internet again. I'm not in the city at the moment, but I feel more prepared to go outside my comfort zone and make new friends in person, too.

I have more thoughts I need to process about socialisation and my own self-enforced isolation not being healthy but being incredibly necessary at this stage, but gosh, I'm bored writing about it.

I've been sketching weird monster/centaur women. I think I will try polishing one of these sketches tonight.


Jun. 21st, 2017 12:14 am
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Having a really bad time getting my brain to quit intoning you are a hollow husk of a human being with no inherent worth and just help me draw stupid fun fanart already.

I'm legit worried I used up what little creative juice I had today on the rude email I sent to an office full of jackasses who deserved it.


Jun. 17th, 2017 11:59 pm
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Considering taking off and driving south again. Tomorrow, even. Not because I need to bug out this time, at least.

I have nothing pressing to do, I'm in a weird transitional period, and I need to put things in my brain that aren't Youtube videos before I lose what remaining ability I have to communicate with my peers.

I made two weird discoveries in the past half hour which reaffirmed to me finding things to do that aren't related to Internet or Nerd Shit is a really good idea. One of the discoveries is legitimately hilarious, yet also kinda fucked me up and I know no one I could vent to who'd really understand. (The other is TMI and I'm feeling bashful lmao)

It's time to go into the wilderness for a bit, hug a tree. Enter the desert. Fight a goanna.

EDIT: There is a non-zero chance I will reemerge even more obtuse and embarrassing, but if that's the way my psyche really wants to go, let's go then. Their Destiny Was Foreordained, and all that.


Jun. 14th, 2017 02:46 am
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I think I accidentally killed my intentionally absurd Utena opening parody idea, but not because of lack of technical ability, time or spoons.

It's because I went looking for reference art, instead read a whole pile of Utena meta (much of it written by miserable people) and not only am I now miserable, I don't want to subject any other property I like to that misery either even if only in the most shallow manner imaginable lmfao.

On bright side: Utena is still very good, and finding the meta led me to this post which is Extremely Me.

... I think redesigning the file schema has meant I've also killed my coding project, again, but I have enough things keeping me up to 3AM, I'll worry about that later.

What I should do is read through ohtori.nu until I cheer up. That site rules. EDIT: It worked! But now it's 4am...


Jun. 13th, 2017 12:20 pm
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Wow, XCode is a HUGE pain in the ass! I'm so stuck on it that I'm considering finding another way to create my project's user interface. But using a cross-platform GUI library ran me into a brick wall on the project's first iteration--it didn't support non-Latin text entry properly, which is a deal breaker when people may be using this in conjunction with quintessentially Japanese computer games. So I had better persevere.

(Context: I'm using C# and my project is essentially a gamedev word processor, so you can write character dialogue/item descriptions/flavour text/etc then export it to a format the game code can use. There's programs similar to this but they're for larger-scale game dev and focus on branching narratives, which wasn't quite what I was looking for...)

It doesn't help that Xamarin.Mac's tutorials/documentation and what my installation of Xamarin actually does are different. :| I asked silly questions on the Xamarin forums before with success, so I guess I'll do that again.

Besides the constant frustrations, like this and invisible exception errors and that time my working copy reverted to a version from mid-May (still dunno what that was about), I'm enjoying this project. It feels good to work on something that could be useful to a lot of people.

I'm also getting better at distinguishing between doing things the 'proper' way to learn more/improve the project, and doing things the 'proper' way when there's no point and it would stress me out. Right now it reaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy doesn't matter if it is CLS compliant or not, for instance. :P

I am concerned my current file structure isn't good enough to support localisation (which is the one thing I've heard from the commercial gamedevs I've talked to about it that would be REALLY useful) so I might spend today reworking that, rather than bashing my head against XCode for another day running XD


Jun. 10th, 2017 11:39 am
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I have this natural inclination to explain things to people who ask what a thing is, which I'm now having to fight down because on the internet a pile of people just don't... read what other people are saying, or read the comments (I can't hold that one against them tho) or even just fucking Google it. If I indulged in my usual inclination, I'd be sending the same explanations to dozens of people for half my waking hours.

What I've been doing instead:

* Game writing app: Stepped away from XCode to do some more work on the core assembly. A lot of what I've done recently is, unfortunately, deleting code that took ages to write after realising it should be implemented in an entirely different way. I guess this is what happens when you're okay at programming but you never picked up how Model-View-Controller or coding patterns work because you were being a 10-year-old-computer-fixing IT buttmonkey. Mm, lemon lime and bitters.

* The latest fucking awful bout of anxiety/heart palpitations has subsided. Perhaps coincidentally, my period started? Is tachycardia just a normal PMS symptom for me now??? I'm going to punch God.

* Started a parody animation that maaaay be sliiightly too ambitious, but my terrible anxiety was holding it up more than the technical/skill limitations. I'll determine if the effort-to-comedy-value ratio is worth it this weekend. If not, I can draw other things, yeah?

* Yelling

* Playing a lot of phone games and promptly deleting them because I have no impulse control and would play them until my arms cramped.



Jun. 9th, 2017 02:30 pm
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I can (probably) afford to go back to university after all, but I've been so anxious and my executive functioning is so dysfunctional at the moment (e.g. it took me multiple hours to write A YOUTUBE COMMENT) that I haven't experienced any feelings of joy or relief about this. ._.

Life is rough. Good thing I have an electric blanket, a decent internet connection and a John Lee Hooker CD on repeat.


Jun. 3rd, 2017 01:48 pm
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Been a while since I posted publicly. It's a very dreary day here, that seasonal affected disorder is kicking in and I feel very dejected by most things I see.
Honestly, the first post I saw this morning stating that this is the nine-year anniversary of the Ctrl-Alt-Del 'Loss' comic should've been a clue to get off the internet.

Pros tho:
* Dealt with some of the ongoing shit that's been stressing me out. (I dealt with some of it very poorly, but at least it's DEALT)
* Game writing app going slower as I'm teaching myself Xcode, but is going.
* Found my old Wacom Bamboo and began drawing again.
* I have an iced coffee here with my name on it. ttyl


May. 11th, 2017 02:00 pm
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Last night, I resolved to make a minor but very significant change in how I act in my everyday life.
Today, has been really really super-duper stressful in my brain.
I choose to believe this is a coincidence and not a bizarre form of self-sabotage. Hearing about fans acting very poorly is probably not helping.

Something happened re: work that made me extremely angry. I chose not to bring it up at the time but now I'm regretting this decision. Constantly sweeping things that are actually super-bad problems under the rug, and making excuses about it being better for other people's mental health is... actually fuck, it's a recurring theme on this Dreamwidth account, innit???? Shit!! Okay, this is getting silly, I'm going to drink a lot of coffee then ring the person in question. Let's try to fix two major personality flaws in one day, why not


Apr. 22nd, 2017 12:46 am
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Been working on game writing app like wow the past week and a bit. Progress is satisfying; have only hit real frustration in past two days. Tonight, I implemented the last part of the changes that gave me so much trouble... it worked pretty much immediately, only a few minor fixes required. Success feels almost anti-climatic. :D I only wanted to do a tiny bit of coding today (to maintain my 'streak') and then go to bed, so it works out.

I may have made a minor tactical error checking internet before I turn off laptop, though. Drama I've worried about erupting in that Tumblr tag may have finally broken out. Like acne!
My brain love seizing upon silly garbage to be mad and/or sad about, so even though there's a high chance it's literally nothing, reading it properly is the last thing I want to do when I plan on falling asleep in the next hour. I mention it mainly because at least one perp is making that kind of Tumblr post that is just an unpleasant 'my face when' image, then uses the tags to call out people. I was going to say that such posts are one of the most passive-aggressive thing you can do on the internet, but upon reflection, it might come second to snarking about it in a Dreamwidth account only three people read. Goodnight!


Apr. 4th, 2017 02:30 am
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Struggles of a grey-asexual with massive anhedonia:
"I feel like drawing something lurid!"
*a few minutes pass*
"I haven't looked at anything resembling lurid art for at least a year, where the shit do I begin."

I doodled for a bit at least. Finally hit a milestone on current work, too. :thumbsup:


Apr. 2nd, 2017 08:46 pm
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Haven't posted publicly for a while.

* Current job nearly done then need to look for more ASAP, as Centrelink and I have parted on acrimonious terms.
* Gingerly dipping toes into Twitter again.
* Resurrected a coding project. I was definitely using wrong tools for the task before; I feel more positive about getting it to a releasable state with this iteration.
* Need to do something with my website but dang, content is hard!
* Caught the first really gnarly cold of the year whoop whoop
* Visiting family again in a few days.
* I have very little money and hilariously few clothes and I feel and look like utter garbage 24/7. This isn't really a change but it's beginning to frustrate me more than it used to...
* The weird woe I was suffering has gone, or at least has metamorphosed into more manageable emotions.
* Haven't inked that drawing of Sagan yet; I started, suffered and went WAAH I CAN'T DO IT I SUCK. But realistically, I was trying like, three new and awkward techniques at once, I'm not sure what my brain was expecting. I'll ink it in a more practical way if I have time tomorrow.
* But speaking of, I think I'll spend the rest of the night watching the Tour of Flanders.
* (because I rage quit Breath of the Wild and it's obnoxious Stasis + conveyer belt bullshit)


Mar. 22nd, 2017 11:01 pm
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Losing your mind?? Draw a Slovakian!!

I want to ink this in a weird way, but I'll probably stuff it up so scanning the sketch likely prudent



Mar. 22nd, 2017 11:03 am
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Yesterday was a thrill ride and not a good one. I wrote a handy script for RPG Maker VX Ace, problem is I stayed up until three am to do it, powered by sheer spite at how much time I've wasted this week stressing about things not worth stressing over.

Let's give this another shot...


Mar. 21st, 2017 10:56 am
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This picture from the Choose Your Own Adventure title Inside UFO 54-40 (which has nothing to do with the hidden ending I found almost immediately cos I always enjoyed flipping through CYOA books) is a perfect depiction of my current state of mind.

The more things I manage to do and the more things I become interested in, the more I can't tell if I'm moving forward at last or if I'm only regressing faster.


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