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2017-09-17 10:14 am
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Brain has gone tits-up again (there's a mental image). In a very unhelpful 'guilty cos I feel too shitty to go to a rally which is making me feel more shitty which is making me feel more guilty' etc loop.

There's so much going wrong in my life I'm not sure where to start explaining it, and I don't feel like it cos it's boring. What I want to do is some laundry and see a friend and go to uni to redo this dang painting. Writing this post is an attempt to convince myself that being miserable on the couch is achieving diddly fuck squat all and I should get up already.
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2017-09-16 09:25 am
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If you ever feel sad, look up the album cover for the Kraftwerk album Ralf Und Florian. It is one of my favourite things.

(so much to do this weekend ahhhhhhh!!)
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2017-09-14 12:15 pm
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On bright side, spring is my favourite season! I can already feel my brain regenerating. I threw my resume at some retail jobs and am spring cleaning.

Uni is making me panic but at least the content is fun!

Haven't found time to do the art I alluded to tho. Well, I had some time, but I just did painting for coursework and it went so badly it was extremely demoralising and I played Splatoon for hours instead. (Ironic, really...)

I know just enough colour theory to know I'm making garbage but not enough to make something good. It's that Ira Glass thing. Putting it off won't help me get better. Sad but true.

Besides that, I've been kicking around some OCs in an no-pressure id-errific story. I'm glad that part of my brain is still ticking.

I considered resuming the coding project but I DEFINITELY should wait until semester break. Since I waved (my middle finger) goodbye to game dev, I'll probably make it open source and wish people luck!
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2017-09-14 08:03 am
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I drafted a post I'm not publishing cos it's just me venting about how much I hate video games now, again

but it reminded me I once saw a hot take from a Male Ally on Twitter that went 'shipping Jack/Gabriel is problematic because they kill people' and I need to stare at the camera like I'm in the Office for a few moments
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2017-09-10 12:44 pm
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Really not sure where the last post came from. I mean, I was indignant at the time and even if the stand-offishness was out of proportion, it's pretty much how I've been feeling.

But why the balls am I so dang angry lately??

More useful question: What is something I can do that doesn't make me so dang angry?

Fixing my dysfunctional thought patterns and deal with the constant bad vibes is like dealing with a fountain of polystyrene bean bag beans. There's no end to them, they get everywhere, and when I think I've dealt with them all, I find more every time I move the furniture.
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2017-09-03 10:09 am
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This is the first time I've had feelings about Mandated Parent Days that weren't merely ambivalent but actively angry, and not sure how to deal with this. (Tl;dr the rest of my family encouraged me to reconnect with dad and when I did I discovered new ways in which he is an enormous and dangerous bigot who can't even excuse it on being perpetually drunk any more)

Not ringing Dad seems like a good way to make the eventual confrontation even worse. OTOH I need to spend today catching up at uni and if the conversation went completely tits-up there's my concentration shot for the rest of the day.

Besides THAT horrible little puzzle box, most of the crap in August has been resolved, and thank fuck for that.
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2017-08-28 12:46 pm
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Me: I wonder if I am overreacting about my growing disdain for nerd stuff...
Me: Be right back, setting my comics and myself on fire

(can USAmericans only buy wholemeal bread in organic stores? Your country is seriously messed up)

Tumblr tag-esque footnote: I'd probably find that cartoon funny if I hadn't just had to install a YouTube comment blocker because I kept seeing uncontrollable whinging about SJWs in politically-charged channels such as, uh, Classics of Game... (also: literal fascists posting literal death threats :U)
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2017-08-26 05:49 pm
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I'm having a bad time! I thought I was having a merely mediocre time... then I realised I was being snarky at people in Maru video comments and if that's not une flamme rouge I don't know what is.

(if I must be so consistently sad, at least I'll have fun with my angst posts)
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2017-08-25 11:21 am
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I have never felt so acutely that my brain is damaged/flawed in my entire life as strongly as I have this week.

Not sad, mind you, there's a distinct difference. If I were still sad, at least that would explain why I had one very clearly defined and achievable goal with a tangible deadline yesterday and then did sweet diddle fuck all for eight hours.

Something is going on. What is going on?

Thing 1) This goes beyond executive function issues, it's more like executive, parliament and judicial dysfunction.

Thing 2) I am radiating some kind of 'hi I'm a complete asshole!!!' field and the fact I am surrounded by people literally half my age is exacerbating it. The social awkwardness isn't as bad as it could be (a handful of people have actually talked to me which is already better than every other uni experience in my damned life) but the times it has gone wrong, it has gone SPECTACULARLY wrong. I have my first group assignment and one member dislikes me to the point of quiet-borderline-threat accusing me of stealing their stuff which is a pretty super start.

These things are a combo for disaster. That isn't even going into the things going on that aren't suited for public posting.

What the hell do I even do in this situation? Drag myself out of bed and to the on-campus counselling I guess... (thing 3 it takes me at least three hours to wake up every day. come on.)
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2017-08-25 12:26 am
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Quick, what's Japanese for 'I Got Figuratively Spat On For Being A Teenage Anime Fangirl So All These Grown Ass Men Now Covering Their Albums With Japanese Text And Sailor Moon Screenshots Can Eat My Shit IMO'?

(I don't mind vaporwave don't @ me)
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2017-08-21 09:05 am
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Last week was a BURNING FART of a week.
This entry was a lot longer originally, but that's all that needs to be said.

The only upside is that Twitter indirectly ruined my day (and several other things) so egregiously, I went 'hell with linkrot' and deactivated my account entirely. I'M FREEEEEEEE

I have so much uni work to catch up on after being sick/utterly fucked up mentally that I'm in constant panic and it's only Week 4 (think uni students usually get to at least Week 7 before constant panic?) but at least things are moving again.
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2017-08-16 01:21 pm
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Hoo boy

I've been writing too much angst lately and I'm trying to instate a 'no subtweeting' rule....

Suffice to say it's very 'one step forward, trip and somersault down the whole bloody flight of stairs' in my brainpan lately.

The weather is nice, today.
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2017-08-15 09:13 pm
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Been on a electronic music binge today as with the previous few days. Went through the uni library's catalogue looking for books, found one that was an e-book, flicked through it, then read the epilogue.

It was the kind of epilogue that goes through all the people featured in the book and details that they died, often tragically and/or in obscurity (most of them were middle-aged musicians in the 1960s but still). One of them became a bitter alcoholic and when she finally got attention in the last years of her life, wallowed about in it. The other remained popular as a cult figure but never created anything new, the last thing she was commissioned to do sounded just like the thing she became famous for.

I am aware the author would've presented the fates of these people in a way according to his agenda/intent and the truth may not have been so dire... nonetheless.

It was a sobering piece of perspective! I think it did more to make me go 'wait... what am I doing?' than any sincere/cynical advice the internet has purported at me for months.

What AM I doing? A lot of my bitterness is justified but it's probably still screwing myself over, yeah? If I somehow get my goofy ass ideas off the ground and I don't get attention, what then? If I DO get attention, will I keep doing the same thing over and over to keep the attention flowing?

Nah son.

I wish it would be as simple as: from this point on I start lifting weights and magically gain the power of talking to strangers and in 6 months (pretty much overnight) I'm a well-adjusted TED Talks speaker who only gets personally sad when something actually sad happens. I doubt that. I sense something has changed, however. Not an inspired 'I can do the thing' call to action, it's not even optimistic, it's something deeper in the bedrock. Shifting plates.
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2017-08-15 02:53 am
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The rest of this post is whining (and some legit concern) so here's the good bit and you can skip the rest: Rotterdam Termination Source playing Poing live with a mouth harp

Read more... )
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2017-08-13 10:27 pm
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I caught up on the news and Justified Rage obliterated my intention to catch up on university tonight! At least, in terms of my continued existence, it's a step up from Every Subject I Think About (including things like 'puppies' [I wish that were an exaggeration]) Segues Into Me Being Wretchedly Miserable, which is what I was experiencing until fifteen minutes prior...

... but it kiiiinda justified my total news/social media blackout, even though that probably shouldn't be reinforced any further....

Anyway, I'll keep my earbuds out of my ears and stop procrastinating on volunteering.

For a change of pace: One legit positive thing (beyond music and burgers) happened to me, personally, tonight--my hair looks good right now?

This sounds so flippant I feel bad for typing it. Then I remember that I haven't had a proper haircut for at least two years, probably three? and that I was soooo irritated by how it looked just two months ago that I was [--] that close to shaving it all off. Thus: joy, something in my life has substantially improved at last!

I still need to book a hairdresser appointment because societal biases against grey hair are horseshit, but I combed it out and it's long enough that it falls down my back (rather than clump to my face all 'HEY LOOK EVERYONE IT'S A FAT PERSON'). My hair's natural wave, which usually just makes the hair on the right side of my head point right and the hair on the left side of my face also point right, is properly visible at last.

It's neat. It's also the exact same hairstyle as my mother's (albeit, she clips her hair up). We'll just call it continuity in character design. XD
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2017-08-08 08:14 am
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I decided to sleep in which is fine but I am going to be late to class if I keep going the way I'm going. Still, I feel yeugh, the internet is depressing, and it's cold outside, and I got not much money, and I'm keenly aware of how dirty my eyelashes are. It is important to acknowledge that I feel sad, and to know the reasons why.

It's lonely though. It is very lonely, and not just because my housemate has gone for a while. I wouldn't mind having to deal with bad vibes and unpleasant revelations and reevaluating my world-view on a nigh-daily basis, if there were more people I could talk to--that is, without having to shout into then jam my ear up against that fucking sewer pipe Twitter.

I mean, I'm doing okay, but last night I learned Contador is retiring and I'm not even particularly attached to him, and I still went 'NOOOOO YOUR TIMING SUCKS WHY NOW DON'T LEAVE ME' so clearly my brain's in a tenuous spot lmao

I made some initial attempts to get in touch with people, and yesterday a student told me their name of their own accord so clearly the DO NOT APPROACH field I often feel I'm emanating doesn't actually exist. I'm off to scrub my eyelashes.
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2017-08-01 09:42 pm
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I heard this on community radio about an hour ago and I'm obsessed:

It doesn't quite build on its potential and it only seems historically/musically noteworthy as a weird rare early Motown record, but I'm utterly in love with it. The B-side is good too.
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2017-07-14 11:39 am
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I mostly post here when I'm in a bad mood about something. That's probably because I'm in a bad mood most of the time. :U However! This is not one of those times! I have achieved things! :D

* Drawing almost every day, including drawabox exercises and quickposes. I haven't progressed far with drawabox, mostly because I didn't have a decent workspace, thus:

* Finally made progress in cleaning my room and reclaimed some desk space! I have clutter problems but it's less 'I can't get rid of this thing even though it's twenty years old and broken' and more 'I can get rid of this but I want to do it in a very particular way so I've just left it on the floor for the past eight months'. I figured out how to deal with the more egregious items of this kind, resorted my clothes, and swept up an astonishing number of dust bunnies. Dust is kind of amazing, when you think about it.

* Cleaned other parts of the house, particularly washing all the dishes (my long-term enemy)

* Mostly fixed my sleeping patterns

* Begun the long, slow process of curtailing certain thought patterns, and so far have actually stuck with it