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gbI wrote the below around last week and read it again today. I feel like making it public.
I'm feeling okay, at the moment, but frustrated with my lack of traction. If anyone has any words, feel free to share.
I was at a school kinda place, we were all sitting on a hill.
Before us I could see a tree being introduced--it was huge and tall, a dreamy teal colour. Beautiful pink-or-orange flowers fell from it, and I could pick one up, twirl it in my hand.
The tree appeared to be on a screen, and it showed a top-down close-up view of a babbling brook going over a cliff. The unnatural angle, this giant stream before me that fell off into a drop, gave me vertigo. I curled up in self-defence.
The teacher, laughing, said the next giant shot was where someone (named John?) met his end--he had jumped off this little snowy ledge to his fate.
I was disgusted by how flippantly they showed this sad location in IMAX-vision and yelled at them that I was going and they could get fucked; the teacher said 'Good!'
I clambered up the hill past the children.
I went into my dorm to get my things but it turned into a white lorry and it was very slowly, despite me not touching anything, rolling downhill toward the gate, and beyond that the children still sitting there. I found the handbrake and after some confusion (the driver seat was on the left hand side) tried to jam down the brake pedal, but it kept rolling. All the people before me did was watch me.
I was thinking about this today.
I am stuck. Though I am in a better mood and appear to be inching forward, I'm still on a path that I am not dictating myself; my creative project is more me stopping to pick nice flowers along the way, rather than making my own road.
But this isn't entirely my fault.
It's true I could have wised up sooner--a lot sooner--and made something of myself, years ago. I am not going to put all the blame on other people. I've made and continue to make ridiculous mistakes, things people online would slap me in the face for.
However, I don't seem to fully understand what else I've been through.
I don't feel like going into details, even in a private entry, but... for a long while, and I haven't told many people this, I was in bad places. I was surrounded by people who removed my faith in humanity, which I had thought was unshakable, and more pertinently, my faith in myself.
I was abused and knocked about and had it implied I was a dipshit to me for the longest time, and I had to watch even worse things happen around me, people treat their future with a lack of respect, treating the vulnerable with no dignity, refusing to think or ask. Culture, society and other's opinions, opinions not simply different to mine but aimed at my heart, bore down from every angle--to them, I was the one who was wrong, weird, who stuck out, who should listen, who should change.
And when I really needed it most, I could not find the right people to ask for help--which is not to blame anyone; they had their own problems to deal with, I now realise. I envied those who had friends who stood by them, not realising that I had them the whole time, or that their perceived success in life or their changing interests was no reason for them to stop liking me.
With so many arseholes I was unable to contend with (and they never did anything I could get them into trouble for, never striking me or touching me), I wound up deeper in the morass, and I never escaped. I may look down on people being paranoid and rude and ridiculous--hanging onto childish things, to yank a line from Corinthians--but while I feel better, saner, more belonging to myself and no one else for the first time in years, I'm no better, because I've never made a real attempt to walk away from what began a decade ago.
In my head, I still hold onto the old ideas, the old fears, and the lies they told me. They weren't the cast of my dreams--pecking Roald Dahl villain knock-offs, or monsters who tear my body apart and laugh at the broken bodies of children. They were just misled, frustrated, sad people--but that doesn't make them any more worthy of my attention.
The problem is, I don't know how to change this. I really don't. I can yell and carry on at tsunamis but I can't figure this one out. And now I'm in a shitty ass mood.
I suppose I'll start by doing all those things I've procrastinated on last week. Sigh.
I'm feeling okay, at the moment, but frustrated with my lack of traction. If anyone has any words, feel free to share.
I was at a school kinda place, we were all sitting on a hill.
Before us I could see a tree being introduced--it was huge and tall, a dreamy teal colour. Beautiful pink-or-orange flowers fell from it, and I could pick one up, twirl it in my hand.
The tree appeared to be on a screen, and it showed a top-down close-up view of a babbling brook going over a cliff. The unnatural angle, this giant stream before me that fell off into a drop, gave me vertigo. I curled up in self-defence.
The teacher, laughing, said the next giant shot was where someone (named John?) met his end--he had jumped off this little snowy ledge to his fate.
I was disgusted by how flippantly they showed this sad location in IMAX-vision and yelled at them that I was going and they could get fucked; the teacher said 'Good!'
I clambered up the hill past the children.
I went into my dorm to get my things but it turned into a white lorry and it was very slowly, despite me not touching anything, rolling downhill toward the gate, and beyond that the children still sitting there. I found the handbrake and after some confusion (the driver seat was on the left hand side) tried to jam down the brake pedal, but it kept rolling. All the people before me did was watch me.
I was thinking about this today.
I am stuck. Though I am in a better mood and appear to be inching forward, I'm still on a path that I am not dictating myself; my creative project is more me stopping to pick nice flowers along the way, rather than making my own road.
But this isn't entirely my fault.
It's true I could have wised up sooner--a lot sooner--and made something of myself, years ago. I am not going to put all the blame on other people. I've made and continue to make ridiculous mistakes, things people online would slap me in the face for.
However, I don't seem to fully understand what else I've been through.
I don't feel like going into details, even in a private entry, but... for a long while, and I haven't told many people this, I was in bad places. I was surrounded by people who removed my faith in humanity, which I had thought was unshakable, and more pertinently, my faith in myself.
I was abused and knocked about and had it implied I was a dipshit to me for the longest time, and I had to watch even worse things happen around me, people treat their future with a lack of respect, treating the vulnerable with no dignity, refusing to think or ask. Culture, society and other's opinions, opinions not simply different to mine but aimed at my heart, bore down from every angle--to them, I was the one who was wrong, weird, who stuck out, who should listen, who should change.
And when I really needed it most, I could not find the right people to ask for help--which is not to blame anyone; they had their own problems to deal with, I now realise. I envied those who had friends who stood by them, not realising that I had them the whole time, or that their perceived success in life or their changing interests was no reason for them to stop liking me.
With so many arseholes I was unable to contend with (and they never did anything I could get them into trouble for, never striking me or touching me), I wound up deeper in the morass, and I never escaped. I may look down on people being paranoid and rude and ridiculous--hanging onto childish things, to yank a line from Corinthians--but while I feel better, saner, more belonging to myself and no one else for the first time in years, I'm no better, because I've never made a real attempt to walk away from what began a decade ago.
In my head, I still hold onto the old ideas, the old fears, and the lies they told me. They weren't the cast of my dreams--pecking Roald Dahl villain knock-offs, or monsters who tear my body apart and laugh at the broken bodies of children. They were just misled, frustrated, sad people--but that doesn't make them any more worthy of my attention.
The problem is, I don't know how to change this. I really don't. I can yell and carry on at tsunamis but I can't figure this one out. And now I'm in a shitty ass mood.
I suppose I'll start by doing all those things I've procrastinated on last week. Sigh.
