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gbRealisation I think I've had before, but have re-realised: My brain hates me.
Hate is a strong word, but this is definitely an abusive dynamic. It is a variety of intrusive thought: at any given moment whatever thought I will have will be a negative memory. You have probably heard of people who are lying in bed about to fall asleep then when they abruptly remember something stupid they did in high school 15+ years ago? For me, it is always like this. In bed, while walking, while working--or trying to. A torrent of negative thoughts.
Bad memories, terrible headlines I read in the news, horrible troll comments on the internet--and it doesn't have to be anything directed at me, or anything lasting, or anything that I didn't know already, for it to sit in my stomach like a meal I know is about to give me food poisoning, except I can't shit it out, it just stays there for hours, sometimes days.
It certainly doesn't have to directly affect me or my life in any way. The latest troll comment I read was inane and deleted by mods minutes after it appeared. My brain still threw it at me, constantly, while I was sitting on the toilet minding my own dang business--and that was the point I knew my brain is the enemy. Also that I'm very toilet oriented tonight, apparently.
I've heard of the human mind resorting to bad thinking patterns through survival instincts that were useful when we were all hunter-gatherers and less useful now, but I'm not actually sure how, e.g. 'Hey remember that incredibly awful story about child abuse your friend's mother told you because she somehow thought that was an acceptable dinner table conversation a few years back?' is going to help me avoid threats while job searching. Then, the only alternative I can think of is that my brain is just being a shit.
This is supported by an additional intrusive problem I have on the regular: my brain switches it up and actively insults me and calls me names, too. It's particularly weird because I don't particularly hate myself! (I frustrate myself sure but that's different) I have a bad feeling this mental tic started when I was young and had lower self-esteem and hasn't gone away. Whatever it is, when I make a minor mistake or even just for no reason at all, my brain throws a bunch of slurs at me, like 'You [] you [] you messed-up [].' I am not typing them out because it's already too much for me to make this self-deconstructing post public and expect people to read it, I'm not adding a bunch of words you'd usually hear being hollered out of a shitty car by some scrub while you're walking to the corner store to get some milk.
Anyway, the older pattern of self-insults died down, and now not only has come back, it's added THREATS into the mix, like 'I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.' Yeah you probably will if you keep up that death drive. Holy moley! My brain is a useless bad-tasting meaty flan!
This reads a lot like a vent post. I guess it is but not in the standard sense: instead of being sad and needing to express it, I blurted out my frustration and now feel quite good! I remembered a while ago expressing irritation at the number of psychology studies and articles that say if you were a gifted child you'll be an useless adult, but give absolutely no advice or leads on how to stop being a useless adult. The number of former gifted children just... bad-mouthing themselves made me sick. I resolved to never be one of those people. I think that in the same way, I resolve to not give my brain any more leeway or positive reinforcement when it's throwing garbage at me constantly to the point where I feel too anxious and nauseous to think about the work I'm doing.
Minor problem: I have very little idea how to stop it happening. This may take a fair few affirmations in the morning. About the gifted child thing, I told someone I'd write about how to deal with it practically, but I've since rage-quit Twitter and I won't be able to keep that promise. So to make it up, if I figure that out, or if I figure out how to improve my relationship with the contents of my own dang head, I will write about it here, I promise.
Hate is a strong word, but this is definitely an abusive dynamic. It is a variety of intrusive thought: at any given moment whatever thought I will have will be a negative memory. You have probably heard of people who are lying in bed about to fall asleep then when they abruptly remember something stupid they did in high school 15+ years ago? For me, it is always like this. In bed, while walking, while working--or trying to. A torrent of negative thoughts.
Bad memories, terrible headlines I read in the news, horrible troll comments on the internet--and it doesn't have to be anything directed at me, or anything lasting, or anything that I didn't know already, for it to sit in my stomach like a meal I know is about to give me food poisoning, except I can't shit it out, it just stays there for hours, sometimes days.
It certainly doesn't have to directly affect me or my life in any way. The latest troll comment I read was inane and deleted by mods minutes after it appeared. My brain still threw it at me, constantly, while I was sitting on the toilet minding my own dang business--and that was the point I knew my brain is the enemy. Also that I'm very toilet oriented tonight, apparently.
I've heard of the human mind resorting to bad thinking patterns through survival instincts that were useful when we were all hunter-gatherers and less useful now, but I'm not actually sure how, e.g. 'Hey remember that incredibly awful story about child abuse your friend's mother told you because she somehow thought that was an acceptable dinner table conversation a few years back?' is going to help me avoid threats while job searching. Then, the only alternative I can think of is that my brain is just being a shit.
This is supported by an additional intrusive problem I have on the regular: my brain switches it up and actively insults me and calls me names, too. It's particularly weird because I don't particularly hate myself! (I frustrate myself sure but that's different) I have a bad feeling this mental tic started when I was young and had lower self-esteem and hasn't gone away. Whatever it is, when I make a minor mistake or even just for no reason at all, my brain throws a bunch of slurs at me, like 'You [] you [] you messed-up [].' I am not typing them out because it's already too much for me to make this self-deconstructing post public and expect people to read it, I'm not adding a bunch of words you'd usually hear being hollered out of a shitty car by some scrub while you're walking to the corner store to get some milk.
Anyway, the older pattern of self-insults died down, and now not only has come back, it's added THREATS into the mix, like 'I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.' Yeah you probably will if you keep up that death drive. Holy moley! My brain is a useless bad-tasting meaty flan!
This reads a lot like a vent post. I guess it is but not in the standard sense: instead of being sad and needing to express it, I blurted out my frustration and now feel quite good! I remembered a while ago expressing irritation at the number of psychology studies and articles that say if you were a gifted child you'll be an useless adult, but give absolutely no advice or leads on how to stop being a useless adult. The number of former gifted children just... bad-mouthing themselves made me sick. I resolved to never be one of those people. I think that in the same way, I resolve to not give my brain any more leeway or positive reinforcement when it's throwing garbage at me constantly to the point where I feel too anxious and nauseous to think about the work I'm doing.
Minor problem: I have very little idea how to stop it happening. This may take a fair few affirmations in the morning. About the gifted child thing, I told someone I'd write about how to deal with it practically, but I've since rage-quit Twitter and I won't be able to keep that promise. So to make it up, if I figure that out, or if I figure out how to improve my relationship with the contents of my own dang head, I will write about it here, I promise.
