[sticky entry] Sticky: "A four foot prune!"

Dec. 1st, 2014 09:49 am
gb: (gosh i'm pretty)
Hi, this journal was mostly private. I'm reviving it because access lists are the shit! Leave a comment if you want to be added to mine.

Personal ref: Wordcount

52.

Aug. 16th, 2017 01:21 pm
gb: (Default)
Hoo boy

I've been writing too much angst lately and I'm trying to instate a 'no subtweeting' rule....

Suffice to say it's very 'one step forward, trip and somersault down the whole bloody flight of stairs' in my brainpan lately.

The weather is nice, today.

51.

Aug. 15th, 2017 09:13 pm
gb: (Default)
Been on a electronic music binge today as with the previous few days. Went through the uni library's catalogue looking for books, found one that was an e-book, flicked through it, then read the epilogue.

It was the kind of epilogue that goes through all the people featured in the book and details that they died, often tragically and/or in obscurity (most of them were middle-aged musicians in the 1960s but still). One of them became a bitter alcoholic and when she finally got attention in the last years of her life, wallowed about in it. The other remained popular as a cult figure but never created anything new, the last thing she was commissioned to do sounded just like the thing she became famous for.

I am aware the author would've presented the fates of these people in a way according to his agenda/intent and the truth may not have been so dire... nonetheless.

It was a sobering piece of perspective! I think it did more to make me go 'wait... what am I doing?' than any sincere/cynical advice the internet has purported at me for months.

What AM I doing? A lot of my bitterness is justified but it's probably still screwing myself over, yeah? If I somehow get my goofy ass ideas off the ground and I don't get attention, what then? If I DO get attention, will I keep doing the same thing over and over to keep the attention flowing?

Nah son.

I wish it would be as simple as: from this point on I start lifting weights and magically gain the power of talking to strangers and in 6 months (pretty much overnight) I'm a well-adjusted TED Talks speaker who only gets personally sad when something actually sad happens. I doubt that. I sense something has changed, however. Not an inspired 'I can do the thing' call to action, it's not even optimistic, it's something deeper in the bedrock. Shifting plates.

50.

Aug. 15th, 2017 02:53 am
gb: (Default)
The rest of this post is whining (and some legit concern) so here's the good bit and you can skip the rest: Rotterdam Termination Source playing Poing live with a mouth harp

Read more... )

49.1

Aug. 13th, 2017 10:27 pm
gb: (Default)
I caught up on the news and Justified Rage obliterated my intention to catch up on university tonight! At least, in terms of my continued existence, it's a step up from Every Subject I Think About (including things like 'puppies' [I wish that were an exaggeration]) Segues Into Me Being Wretchedly Miserable, which is what I was experiencing until fifteen minutes prior...

... but it kiiiinda justified my total news/social media blackout, even though that probably shouldn't be reinforced any further....

Anyway, I'll keep my earbuds out of my ears and stop procrastinating on volunteering.

For a change of pace: One legit positive thing (beyond music and burgers) happened to me, personally, tonight--my hair looks good right now?

This sounds so flippant I feel bad for typing it. Then I remember that I haven't had a proper haircut for at least two years, probably three? and that I was soooo irritated by how it looked just two months ago that I was [--] that close to shaving it all off. Thus: joy, something in my life has substantially improved at last!

I still need to book a hairdresser appointment because societal biases against grey hair are horseshit, but I combed it out and it's long enough that it falls down my back (rather than clump to my face all 'HEY LOOK EVERYONE IT'S A FAT PERSON'). My hair's natural wave, which usually just makes the hair on the right side of my head point right and the hair on the left side of my face also point right, is properly visible at last.

It's neat. It's also the exact same hairstyle as my mother's (albeit, she clips her hair up). We'll just call it continuity in character design. XD

49.

Aug. 13th, 2017 08:34 am
gb: (Default)
Note to self:
Stop trying to do serious work/thinking at 11PM and achieving diddly-squat then going NO I CAN NOT ART ANY MORE MY LIFE IS OVER
o͡͡͡͡͡͡╮༼;´༎ຶ.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨۝ ༎ຶ༽╭o͡͡͡͡͡͡'
when you should dang well remember your meds wear off around 7PM (and also that sleep is not optional)

Besides that, things are mostly okay. I"m a bit behind on uni work, mostly due to my generally yucky feelings turning out to be a Cold from Heck. I've been busy listening to these on repeat instead


48.

Aug. 8th, 2017 08:14 am
gb: (Default)
I decided to sleep in which is fine but I am going to be late to class if I keep going the way I'm going. Still, I feel yeugh, the internet is depressing, and it's cold outside, and I got not much money, and I'm keenly aware of how dirty my eyelashes are. It is important to acknowledge that I feel sad, and to know the reasons why.

It's lonely though. It is very lonely, and not just because my housemate has gone for a while. I wouldn't mind having to deal with bad vibes and unpleasant revelations and reevaluating my world-view on a nigh-daily basis, if there were more people I could talk to--that is, without having to shout into then jam my ear up against that fucking sewer pipe Twitter.

I mean, I'm doing okay, but last night I learned Contador is retiring and I'm not even particularly attached to him, and I still went 'NOOOOO YOUR TIMING SUCKS WHY NOW DON'T LEAVE ME' so clearly my brain's in a tenuous spot lmao

I made some initial attempts to get in touch with people, and yesterday a student told me their name of their own accord so clearly the DO NOT APPROACH field I often feel I'm emanating doesn't actually exist. I'm off to scrub my eyelashes.

47.

Aug. 1st, 2017 09:42 pm
gb: (Default)
I heard this on community radio about an hour ago and I'm obsessed:



It doesn't quite build on its potential and it only seems historically/musically noteworthy as a weird rare early Motown record, but I'm utterly in love with it. The B-side is good too.

46.

Jul. 14th, 2017 11:39 am
gb: (Default)
I mostly post here when I'm in a bad mood about something. That's probably because I'm in a bad mood most of the time. :U However! This is not one of those times! I have achieved things! :D

* Drawing almost every day, including drawabox exercises and quickposes. I haven't progressed far with drawabox, mostly because I didn't have a decent workspace, thus:

* Finally made progress in cleaning my room and reclaimed some desk space! I have clutter problems but it's less 'I can't get rid of this thing even though it's twenty years old and broken' and more 'I can get rid of this but I want to do it in a very particular way so I've just left it on the floor for the past eight months'. I figured out how to deal with the more egregious items of this kind, resorted my clothes, and swept up an astonishing number of dust bunnies. Dust is kind of amazing, when you think about it.

* Cleaned other parts of the house, particularly washing all the dishes (my long-term enemy)

* Mostly fixed my sleeping patterns

* Begun the long, slow process of curtailing certain thought patterns, and so far have actually stuck with it

45.

Jul. 3rd, 2017 11:23 am
gb: (Default)
Thought I was doing better but I'm in the 'everything I'm making now looks like aSS' stage of trying to level up my art skill and I just feelings-vomited on Twitter so maybe not.

(well it was more a feelings-blast and the options were 'feelings-blast' or 'stay quiet about this thing that really messed me up until a better time when I've been sitting on it for literally years already'. Nonetheless,)

On the bright side, I have all of the Stolen Century arc of TAZ to listen to on the drive home. I am super-excited! *eyeballs everyone openly sobbing on Tumblr* Yeeaa get hype

44.1.

Jul. 1st, 2017 08:05 pm
gb: (Default)
After I made several loud and indignant noises, the insulation was fixed. It has helped a little--with the fireplace lit, I can sit at a table and at least consider being productive. A big relief.

Coding project has ground to a halt due to necessary reconstruction, and me realising I was making several rather elementary mistakes. It'll pick up again, but not sure I can release it in an usable form before August (my original goal) which is a pity. Still, when I get into the flow I can achieve a lot in a short period of time with this project, so never say never I suppose.

Art is going okay! I'm considering forcing myself to only draw from reference and in black and white for a while, as my pictures wind up very blurry and noodley.

So tonight after I do the dishes, I'll look at one or both of these goals, and listen to Le Toueerrr in the background.

43 ? nah 44

Jul. 1st, 2017 10:32 am
gb: (Default)
I was doing okay but this house has reached FUH-REEZING cold status once again to the point my body and brain pretty much crumple unless I'm in bed. Insulation in ceiling hasn't been fixed cos the person who moved it in first place has a busted arm, which he won't go to doctor about, and when I said I'd do it my mother got all agitated.

The people in my life have the approach to problems of 'don't do the mildly difficult thing then expect me to stand there and suffer and listen to them talk about how if only they did the mildly difficult thing there wouldn't be a problem' and I'm... well, let's just say there's a reason I lost all my patience in May and have recovered none of it since.

I picked up this approach to dealing with problems off them which honestly makes me even more cranky about it cos it's awful and trashed my life. OTL

I need to go back to Perth for at least a little bit. Maybe today's a good day to do it even if the roads are full and the rain's falling.

42.

Jun. 26th, 2017 07:35 pm
gb: (Default)
Should use DW more. Should follow more people! But shared interests = lol what? True, I followed a few randoms and I used to enjoy reading posts about people in different fields/with different interests, but the DW randoms I followed don't post any more/only post once every 6 months. (and a distressing ratio of them turned out to be Islamophobes lmfao no thank you)

It is my hope that when my life stops being such a badly-tuned hold pattern, I can actively follow people on the internet again. I'm not in the city at the moment, but I feel more prepared to go outside my comfort zone and make new friends in person, too.

I have more thoughts I need to process about socialisation and my own self-enforced isolation not being healthy but being incredibly necessary at this stage, but gosh, I'm bored writing about it.

I've been sketching weird monster/centaur women. I think I will try polishing one of these sketches tonight.

41.

Jun. 21st, 2017 12:14 am
gb: (Default)
Having a really bad time getting my brain to quit intoning you are a hollow husk of a human being with no inherent worth and just help me draw stupid fun fanart already.

I'm legit worried I used up what little creative juice I had today on the rude email I sent to an office full of jackasses who deserved it.

40.

Jun. 17th, 2017 11:59 pm
gb: (Default)
Considering taking off and driving south again. Tomorrow, even. Not because I need to bug out this time, at least.

I have nothing pressing to do, I'm in a weird transitional period, and I need to put things in my brain that aren't Youtube videos before I lose what remaining ability I have to communicate with my peers.

I made two weird discoveries in the past half hour which reaffirmed to me finding things to do that aren't related to Internet or Nerd Shit is a really good idea. One of the discoveries is legitimately hilarious, yet also kinda fucked me up and I know no one I could vent to who'd really understand. (The other is TMI and I'm feeling bashful lmao)

It's time to go into the wilderness for a bit, hug a tree. Enter the desert. Fight a goanna.

EDIT: There is a non-zero chance I will reemerge even more obtuse and embarrassing, but if that's the way my psyche really wants to go, let's go then. Their Destiny Was Foreordained, and all that.

39.1.

Jun. 14th, 2017 02:46 am
gb: (Default)
I think I accidentally killed my intentionally absurd Utena opening parody idea, but not because of lack of technical ability, time or spoons.

It's because I went looking for reference art, instead read a whole pile of Utena meta (much of it written by miserable people) and not only am I now miserable, I don't want to subject any other property I like to that misery either even if only in the most shallow manner imaginable lmfao.

On bright side: Utena is still very good, and finding the meta led me to this post which is Extremely Me.

... I think redesigning the file schema has meant I've also killed my coding project, again, but I have enough things keeping me up to 3AM, I'll worry about that later.

What I should do is read through ohtori.nu until I cheer up. That site rules. EDIT: It worked! But now it's 4am...

39.

Jun. 13th, 2017 12:20 pm
gb: (Default)
Wow, XCode is a HUGE pain in the ass! I'm so stuck on it that I'm considering finding another way to create my project's user interface. But using a cross-platform GUI library ran me into a brick wall on the project's first iteration--it didn't support non-Latin text entry properly, which is a deal breaker when people may be using this in conjunction with quintessentially Japanese computer games. So I had better persevere.

(Context: I'm using C# and my project is essentially a gamedev word processor, so you can write character dialogue/item descriptions/flavour text/etc then export it to a format the game code can use. There's programs similar to this but they're for larger-scale game dev and focus on branching narratives, which wasn't quite what I was looking for...)

It doesn't help that Xamarin.Mac's tutorials/documentation and what my installation of Xamarin actually does are different. :| I asked silly questions on the Xamarin forums before with success, so I guess I'll do that again.

Besides the constant frustrations, like this and invisible exception errors and that time my working copy reverted to a version from mid-May (still dunno what that was about), I'm enjoying this project. It feels good to work on something that could be useful to a lot of people.

I'm also getting better at distinguishing between doing things the 'proper' way to learn more/improve the project, and doing things the 'proper' way when there's no point and it would stress me out. Right now it reaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy doesn't matter if it is CLS compliant or not, for instance. :P

I am concerned my current file structure isn't good enough to support localisation (which is the one thing I've heard from the commercial gamedevs I've talked to about it that would be REALLY useful) so I might spend today reworking that, rather than bashing my head against XCode for another day running XD

38.

Jun. 10th, 2017 11:39 am
gb: (Default)
I have this natural inclination to explain things to people who ask what a thing is, which I'm now having to fight down because on the internet a pile of people just don't... read what other people are saying, or read the comments (I can't hold that one against them tho) or even just fucking Google it. If I indulged in my usual inclination, I'd be sending the same explanations to dozens of people for half my waking hours.

What I've been doing instead:

* Game writing app: Stepped away from XCode to do some more work on the core assembly. A lot of what I've done recently is, unfortunately, deleting code that took ages to write after realising it should be implemented in an entirely different way. I guess this is what happens when you're okay at programming but you never picked up how Model-View-Controller or coding patterns work because you were being a 10-year-old-computer-fixing IT buttmonkey. Mm, lemon lime and bitters.

* The latest fucking awful bout of anxiety/heart palpitations has subsided. Perhaps coincidentally, my period started? Is tachycardia just a normal PMS symptom for me now??? I'm going to punch God.

* Started a parody animation that maaaay be sliiightly too ambitious, but my terrible anxiety was holding it up more than the technical/skill limitations. I'll determine if the effort-to-comedy-value ratio is worth it this weekend. If not, I can draw other things, yeah?

* Yelling

* Playing a lot of phone games and promptly deleting them because I have no impulse control and would play them until my arms cramped.

* WHY HAS MY GAME WRITING APP REVERTED TO A VERSION FROM MID-MAY FOR NO REASON? bbl

37.

Jun. 9th, 2017 02:30 pm
gb: (Default)
I can (probably) afford to go back to university after all, but I've been so anxious and my executive functioning is so dysfunctional at the moment (e.g. it took me multiple hours to write A YOUTUBE COMMENT) that I haven't experienced any feelings of joy or relief about this. ._.

Life is rough. Good thing I have an electric blanket, a decent internet connection and a John Lee Hooker CD on repeat.

36.

Jun. 3rd, 2017 01:48 pm
gb: (Default)
Been a while since I posted publicly. It's a very dreary day here, that seasonal affected disorder is kicking in and I feel very dejected by most things I see.
Honestly, the first post I saw this morning stating that this is the nine-year anniversary of the Ctrl-Alt-Del 'Loss' comic should've been a clue to get off the internet.

Pros tho:
* Dealt with some of the ongoing shit that's been stressing me out. (I dealt with some of it very poorly, but at least it's DEALT)
* Game writing app going slower as I'm teaching myself Xcode, but is going.
* Found my old Wacom Bamboo and began drawing again.
* I have an iced coffee here with my name on it. ttyl

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