Omnivore:

Me: I wonder if I am overreacting about my growing disdain for nerd stuff...
Internet: LOLOL MAINSTREAM CARTOON REFERENCING FURRIES AND SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS LOLOLOL FUCK SJWs
Me: Be right back, setting my comics and myself on fire

(can USAmericans only buy wholemeal bread in organic stores? Your country is seriously messed up)



Tumblr tag-esque footnote: I'd probably find that cartoon funny if I hadn't just had to install a YouTube comment blocker because I kept seeing uncontrollable whinging about SJWs in politically-charged channels such as, uh, Classics of Game... (also: literal fascists posting literal death threats :U)

I have never felt so acutely that my brain is damaged/flawed in my entire life as strongly as I have this week.

Not sad, mind you, there's a distinct difference. If I were still sad, at least that would explain why I had one very clearly defined and achievable goal with a tangible deadline yesterday and then did sweet diddle fuck all for eight hours.

Something is going on. What is going on?

Thing 1) This goes beyond executive function issues, it's more like executive, parliament and judicial dysfunction.

Thing 2) I am radiating some kind of 'hi I'm a complete asshole!!!' field and the fact I am surrounded by people literally half my age is exacerbating it. The social awkwardness isn't as bad as it could be (a handful of people have actually talked to me which is already better than every other uni experience in my damned life) but the times it has gone wrong, it has gone SPECTACULARLY wrong. I have my first group assignment and one member dislikes me to the point of quiet-borderline-threat accusing me of stealing their stuff which is a pretty super start.

These things are a combo for disaster. That isn't even going into the things going on that aren't suited for public posting.

What the hell do I even do in this situation? Drag myself out of bed and to the on-campus counselling I guess... (thing 3 it takes me at least three hours to wake up every day. come on.)

Last week was a BURNING FART of a week.
This entry was a lot longer originally, but that's all that needs to be said.

The only upside is that Twitter indirectly ruined my day (and several other things) so egregiously, I went 'hell with linkrot' and deactivated my account entirely. I'M FREEEEEEEE

I have so much uni work to catch up on after being sick/utterly fucked up mentally that I'm in constant panic and it's only Week 4 (think uni students usually get to at least Week 7 before constant panic?) but at least things are moving again.

Been on a electronic music binge today as with the previous few days. Went through the uni library's catalogue looking for books, found one that was an e-book, flicked through it, then read the epilogue.

It was the kind of epilogue that goes through all the people featured in the book and details that they died, often tragically and/or in obscurity (most of them were middle-aged musicians in the 1960s but still). One of them became a bitter alcoholic and when she finally got attention in the last years of her life, wallowed about in it. The other remained popular as a cult figure but never created anything new, the last thing she was commissioned to do sounded just like the thing she became famous for.

I am aware the author would've presented the fates of these people in a way according to his agenda/intent and the truth may not have been so dire... nonetheless.

It was a sobering piece of perspective! I think it did more to make me go 'wait... what am I doing?' than any sincere/cynical advice the internet has purported at me for months.

What AM I doing? A lot of my bitterness is justified but it's probably still screwing myself over, yeah? If I somehow get my goofy ass ideas off the ground and I don't get attention, what then? If I DO get attention, will I keep doing the same thing over and over to keep the attention flowing?

Nah son.

I wish it would be as simple as: from this point on I start lifting weights and magically gain the power of talking to strangers and in 6 months (pretty much overnight) I'm a well-adjusted TED Talks speaker who only gets personally sad when something actually sad happens. I doubt that. I sense something has changed, however. Not an inspired 'I can do the thing' call to action, it's not even optimistic, it's something deeper in the bedrock. Shifting plates.

I caught up on the news and Justified Rage obliterated my intention to catch up on university tonight! At least, in terms of my continued existence, it's a step up from Every Subject I Think About (including things like 'puppies' [I wish that were an exaggeration]) Segues Into Me Being Wretchedly Miserable, which is what I was experiencing until fifteen minutes prior...

... but it kiiiinda justified my total news/social media blackout, even though that probably shouldn't be reinforced any further....

Anyway, I'll keep my earbuds out of my ears and stop procrastinating on volunteering.

For a change of pace: One legit positive thing (beyond music and burgers) happened to me, personally, tonight--my hair looks good right now?

This sounds so flippant I feel bad for typing it. Then I remember that I haven't had a proper haircut for at least two years, probably three? and that I was soooo irritated by how it looked just two months ago that I was [--] that close to shaving it all off. Thus: joy, something in my life has substantially improved at last!

I still need to book a hairdresser appointment because societal biases against grey hair are horseshit, but I combed it out and it's long enough that it falls down my back (rather than clump to my face all 'HEY LOOK EVERYONE IT'S A FAT PERSON'). My hair's natural wave, which usually just makes the hair on the right side of my head point right and the hair on the left side of my face also point right, is properly visible at last.

It's neat. It's also the exact same hairstyle as my mother's (albeit, she clips her hair up). We'll just call it continuity in character design. XD

I decided to sleep in which is fine but I am going to be late to class if I keep going the way I'm going. Still, I feel yeugh, the internet is depressing, and it's cold outside, and I got not much money, and I'm keenly aware of how dirty my eyelashes are. It is important to acknowledge that I feel sad, and to know the reasons why.

It's lonely though. It is very lonely, and not just because my housemate has gone for a while. I wouldn't mind having to deal with bad vibes and unpleasant revelations and reevaluating my world-view on a nigh-daily basis, if there were more people I could talk to--that is, without having to shout into then jam my ear up against that fucking sewer pipe Twitter.

I mean, I'm doing okay, but last night I learned Contador is retiring and I'm not even particularly attached to him, and I still went 'NOOOOO YOUR TIMING SUCKS WHY NOW DON'T LEAVE ME' so clearly my brain's in a tenuous spot lmao

I made some initial attempts to get in touch with people, and yesterday a student told me their name of their own accord so clearly the DO NOT APPROACH field I often feel I'm emanating doesn't actually exist. I'm off to scrub my eyelashes.

I mostly post here when I'm in a bad mood about something. That's probably because I'm in a bad mood most of the time. :U However! This is not one of those times! I have achieved things! :D

* Drawing almost every day, including drawabox exercises and quickposes. I haven't progressed far with drawabox, mostly because I didn't have a decent workspace, thus:

* Finally made progress in cleaning my room and reclaimed some desk space! I have clutter problems but it's less 'I can't get rid of this thing even though it's twenty years old and broken' and more 'I can get rid of this but I want to do it in a very particular way so I've just left it on the floor for the past eight months'. I figured out how to deal with the more egregious items of this kind, resorted my clothes, and swept up an astonishing number of dust bunnies. Dust is kind of amazing, when you think about it.

* Cleaned other parts of the house, particularly washing all the dishes (my long-term enemy)

* Mostly fixed my sleeping patterns

* Begun the long, slow process of curtailing certain thought patterns, and so far have actually stuck with it

After I made several loud and indignant noises, the insulation was fixed. It has helped a little--with the fireplace lit, I can sit at a table and at least consider being productive. A big relief.

Coding project has ground to a halt due to necessary reconstruction, and me realising I was making several rather elementary mistakes. It'll pick up again, but not sure I can release it in an usable form before August (my original goal) which is a pity. Still, when I get into the flow I can achieve a lot in a short period of time with this project, so never say never I suppose.

Art is going okay! I'm considering forcing myself to only draw from reference and in black and white for a while, as my pictures wind up very blurry and noodley.

So tonight after I do the dishes, I'll look at one or both of these goals, and listen to Le Toueerrr in the background.

Having a really bad time getting my brain to quit intoning ｙｏｕ ａｒｅ ａ ｈｏｌｌｏｗ ｈｕｓｋ ｏｆ ａ ｈｕｍａｎ ｂｅｉｎｇ ｗｉｔｈ ｎｏ ｉｎｈｅｒｅｎｔ ｗｏｒｔｈ and just help me draw stupid fun fanart already.

I'm legit worried I used up what little creative juice I had today on the rude email I sent to an office full of jackasses who deserved it.